Well, that was one heck of a hiatus there.....really I have no excuses.  I was busy--yeah so what, I was busy last year but still wrote religiously every morning.....well here's me giving this another shot.  I'm not making any promises other than that yes, I am posting today.  Day to day confirmations and agreements are about all I can muster at this point in my life.  Everything else is too final and constraining.  Even schedualling a doctor's or physical therapy appointment causes distress in having to think ahead, beyond 3 hours.  This could be where most of my problems lately are steming from since my grades seem to be falling beyond my grasp and I don't really know why or how I'm going to make it through these 3 years.  As happy and as much as I love this place on a whole, my day to day is less than desireable.  Between moments of 'real' happiness I hit these day long lulls of not speaking to a single person face-to-face.  Today for example, I went to class, sat there and realised that if I was there or not--no one would know the difference.  I don't understand how I can go on cycles of being semi-popular and well liked to being just another chair in a room of chairs.  If someone would tell me where I go wrong I'd maybe learn how to fix me.  But maybe this is just how my life will always be.  I'm the introspective, the observer.  I'm not supposed to be included in the jokes, the fun, I'm there to watch, listen and reflect.  I just really can't image that if this is what my life consists of now, what will the working world be like.  When they say that you're going at it all alone.  The time of 'transition' they say when you realise your friends aren't there anymore and you have to make it on your own.  Well what happens when this is what life has been like for you all along? How can I become even more alone than being my own best friend that I am right now? Should this be worrying me more than it is? Or do I just accept fate and admitt that relief is not possible for me.  Well I can say with certainty that all moments of every day are not like this....its just the most that are, are quite unbareable at times.  I really feel that the plot of my days are exponential in that every point is instantaneously changing and finding the average feeling that I have throughout even an hour period is a task that is manually uncalculatable.  Sitting in the hospital cafeteria once again, by myself, I am filling my reflective and contemplative role that always seems to flood back to me no matter how much my life changes.  At least there's one thing that I can rely on....
As much as I pretend I love my independence and that I don't need anyone else in my life....I think I've made it clear that that is just not true.  I observe and sit on the outside only because I'm afraid of the judgment on the inside.  I praise any time anyone inside steps out to talk to me, because I can't make that first move.  I can't open up because it just hurts too much when they step back and away again. True intentions are too hard for me to judge so I remedy it by not pursing any relations at all.  And therefore I suffer, because what they say about 'its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all' is just not true if every time ends in a loss.  And not just relationship, relationships....all.  From acquantainces to people I actually get comfortable with.  Its all the same and eventually fades to never talking to them again. 
Well such is life.